Hope
I am tired of being scared, afraid, feeling like I am alone,
worrying about the future, dwelling on the past, feeling hopeless,
letting depression win, having anxiety attacks, feeling worthless,
wishing there were others who could truly understand what I'm going
through. My hope is that a few people find this site who are struggling with their illness
and realize they aren't alone, that there is hope, and by sharing our stories with each other, we can overcome anything.
When I was 21(1993), I was inflicted with a rare neurological disease called Transverse Myelitis. I was paralyzed from the chest down and ended up in a wheelchair for several months and then onto a cane for a few more months.
My name is David Hilliard. I am now 46 years old. From the outside I look normal, talk normal, and mostly walk normal. Every once in a while someone, usually a co-worker, wants to know why I'm limping a little. I just simply tell them I have a bad back because TM(Transverse Myelitis) is much too complicated to explain and most people start drifting off into another world when I try to explain it, or they look like they want to claw their way out of the situation because they are so uncomfortable talking about it.
I still have residual effects from TM. I still have numbness from my chest on down. I get little shocks that run up an down my legs and arms constantly through out the day. I can't feel my pinky and ring finger and half of my middle finger on my right hand. I can't feel the whole bottom half of my right arm all the way up to my armpit. My left arm has some numbness but it's not nearly as bad and I can feel all of my fingers on my left hand. From my chest to my thighs, I have about 70-90% feeling. From my thighs to my feet I have about 50% or less feeling. I get fatigued easier than normal. I get dizzy fairly easy if I move my head to quick. I have a difficult time going to the bathroom. My feet and parts of my legs can't understand hot and cold sometimes. When that happens my feet and legs feel like they are on fire. Like someone put my legs on a campfire and decided to roast them for the evening. When these symptoms get worse, my anxiety level goes up considerably.
What I do know is that life continues on even when I feel like I don't want to. I know that when I reach out to others and share with them what's on my mind, I start to feel better. Sometimes a little, sometimes a lot. I also know that when I listen to the other person and they share their thoughts and feelings, and I don't interrupt them, I start to see that I'm not alone. There truly is hope and that just because today isn't going so well, doesn't mean tomorrow is going to be the same. It can get better or worse. But that's my point, you don't know what's going to happen, so why stress about it? And it works the other way as well. Thinking about what happened in the past and dwelling on it doesn't help either.
My personal goal is to live just for today. Will I always meet my goal? I know I wont. I am not perfect, none of us are. We are limited by our human abilities. I also need to practice overcoming my obstacles because thinking about the issues at hand doesn't solve the problem. I have to act upon my thinking and work hard at it. I think of this website as a tool. One of many tools that I use to make it through each day as grateful as I can be. If you wish, you are welcome to join me so that we can work together by sharing ideas, sharing our thoughts, and sharing our feelings(happy or sad). Thanks for listening.
Sincerely,
David Hilliard
When I was 21(1993), I was inflicted with a rare neurological disease called Transverse Myelitis. I was paralyzed from the chest down and ended up in a wheelchair for several months and then onto a cane for a few more months.
My name is David Hilliard. I am now 46 years old. From the outside I look normal, talk normal, and mostly walk normal. Every once in a while someone, usually a co-worker, wants to know why I'm limping a little. I just simply tell them I have a bad back because TM(Transverse Myelitis) is much too complicated to explain and most people start drifting off into another world when I try to explain it, or they look like they want to claw their way out of the situation because they are so uncomfortable talking about it.
I still have residual effects from TM. I still have numbness from my chest on down. I get little shocks that run up an down my legs and arms constantly through out the day. I can't feel my pinky and ring finger and half of my middle finger on my right hand. I can't feel the whole bottom half of my right arm all the way up to my armpit. My left arm has some numbness but it's not nearly as bad and I can feel all of my fingers on my left hand. From my chest to my thighs, I have about 70-90% feeling. From my thighs to my feet I have about 50% or less feeling. I get fatigued easier than normal. I get dizzy fairly easy if I move my head to quick. I have a difficult time going to the bathroom. My feet and parts of my legs can't understand hot and cold sometimes. When that happens my feet and legs feel like they are on fire. Like someone put my legs on a campfire and decided to roast them for the evening. When these symptoms get worse, my anxiety level goes up considerably.
What I do know is that life continues on even when I feel like I don't want to. I know that when I reach out to others and share with them what's on my mind, I start to feel better. Sometimes a little, sometimes a lot. I also know that when I listen to the other person and they share their thoughts and feelings, and I don't interrupt them, I start to see that I'm not alone. There truly is hope and that just because today isn't going so well, doesn't mean tomorrow is going to be the same. It can get better or worse. But that's my point, you don't know what's going to happen, so why stress about it? And it works the other way as well. Thinking about what happened in the past and dwelling on it doesn't help either.
My personal goal is to live just for today. Will I always meet my goal? I know I wont. I am not perfect, none of us are. We are limited by our human abilities. I also need to practice overcoming my obstacles because thinking about the issues at hand doesn't solve the problem. I have to act upon my thinking and work hard at it. I think of this website as a tool. One of many tools that I use to make it through each day as grateful as I can be. If you wish, you are welcome to join me so that we can work together by sharing ideas, sharing our thoughts, and sharing our feelings(happy or sad). Thanks for listening.
Sincerely,
David Hilliard
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