Where do you rank?
Before being hit with Transverse Myelitis, I used to rank myself among friends, family and co-workers. I was either above them or below them. If a co-worker appeared to be better at their job, then somehow I was less than. If I felt smarter than someone, I would judge them and they were beneath me. This type of thinking was terrible as it always made me feel like I was never good enough.
When I became disabled, I carried this, less than/greater than, type of thinking with me. If your disability appeared to be worse than mine than I was better off. Or, if you could physically do more than me, then I was below you. The problem with this type of thinking is that it limited me.
I could not possibly be suffering from PTSD because that's only for the military or victims of a crime, right? How could I possibly compare myself to these two groups? For that matter, I could walk where as others were in wheelchairs with this same disease, so who am I to complain? I didn't ask for a handicap placard for the first 10 years I had Transverse Myelitis because I didn't feel disabled enough. I could walk, so doesn't that mean I'm not really disabled? That's how I thought about things.
It didn't matter that I could barely make it to the bathroom or I was in so much nerve pain internally because, damn it! I could walk! It didn't matter that my back was a mess and I shouldn't be carrying heavy items. I went to work for years lifting heavy equipment in the lab, powering my way through massive back and nerve pain and more. It didn't matter that I have 50% feeling loss in my legs and the heat would fatigue me and make we feel worse. I could walk, didn't you know? I'm a guy and I can walk so who am I to complain!
This may sound crazy to some, but I am grateful for getting severely depressed because it forced me to make changes and face fears. One of the big changes was asking for help. Men aren't wired to ask for help and I was no different. I tried to do it all on my own without asking for help. That just lead me down a slippery slope of depression, anxiety and fear.
It was hard at first asking for help. Certainly not my default position. I remember the day I decide I would finally ask for a handicap placard. I was going to a baseball game with my son and we had to park in some kind of secondary lot far away from the stadium. Walking that far to the game about killed me. My legs were struggling because of fatigue and I thought at any moment I was going to have a bathroom accident. It took every last ounce of strength to make it to our seats and to a bathroom. When we finally sat down, all I could think of was that I had to walk all the way back. It was at that moment that I realized I really needed a handicap placard for these types of situations. The relief that came over me was huge!
I didn't have to tough it out anymore. I could just ask for help, as simple as that. That moment also put me on a different path for thinking about how I rank among others. Now I try to see everyone as equals. What I realized is that I have my own story and it's different than everyone else's story. My story isn't worse or better, just different, my own. Do I follow this perfectly? Not at all. I still struggle with ranking myself against others. I have to be mindful and practice taking myself out of that mindset. It's hard sometimes, but life is about learning lessons and I'm learning mine.
Thank you for listening.
Sincerely,
David Hilliard
When I became disabled, I carried this, less than/greater than, type of thinking with me. If your disability appeared to be worse than mine than I was better off. Or, if you could physically do more than me, then I was below you. The problem with this type of thinking is that it limited me.
I could not possibly be suffering from PTSD because that's only for the military or victims of a crime, right? How could I possibly compare myself to these two groups? For that matter, I could walk where as others were in wheelchairs with this same disease, so who am I to complain? I didn't ask for a handicap placard for the first 10 years I had Transverse Myelitis because I didn't feel disabled enough. I could walk, so doesn't that mean I'm not really disabled? That's how I thought about things.
It didn't matter that I could barely make it to the bathroom or I was in so much nerve pain internally because, damn it! I could walk! It didn't matter that my back was a mess and I shouldn't be carrying heavy items. I went to work for years lifting heavy equipment in the lab, powering my way through massive back and nerve pain and more. It didn't matter that I have 50% feeling loss in my legs and the heat would fatigue me and make we feel worse. I could walk, didn't you know? I'm a guy and I can walk so who am I to complain!
This may sound crazy to some, but I am grateful for getting severely depressed because it forced me to make changes and face fears. One of the big changes was asking for help. Men aren't wired to ask for help and I was no different. I tried to do it all on my own without asking for help. That just lead me down a slippery slope of depression, anxiety and fear.
It was hard at first asking for help. Certainly not my default position. I remember the day I decide I would finally ask for a handicap placard. I was going to a baseball game with my son and we had to park in some kind of secondary lot far away from the stadium. Walking that far to the game about killed me. My legs were struggling because of fatigue and I thought at any moment I was going to have a bathroom accident. It took every last ounce of strength to make it to our seats and to a bathroom. When we finally sat down, all I could think of was that I had to walk all the way back. It was at that moment that I realized I really needed a handicap placard for these types of situations. The relief that came over me was huge!
I didn't have to tough it out anymore. I could just ask for help, as simple as that. That moment also put me on a different path for thinking about how I rank among others. Now I try to see everyone as equals. What I realized is that I have my own story and it's different than everyone else's story. My story isn't worse or better, just different, my own. Do I follow this perfectly? Not at all. I still struggle with ranking myself against others. I have to be mindful and practice taking myself out of that mindset. It's hard sometimes, but life is about learning lessons and I'm learning mine.
Thank you for listening.
Sincerely,
David Hilliard
Comments
Post a Comment